Dave and I always celebrate Valentine’s Day in some way. Maybe one year it’s just cards and chocolates or flowers, another it’s an overnight at a hotel and an expensive meal. It all depends on what we’re feeling and how much time (and money) we have. Suffice it to say that we don’t ascribe to the idea that Valentine’s Day should be ignored as a random day selected by Hallmark to get people to spend money. Ideally people should show appreciation for their partners regularly throughout the year, but it doesn’t hurt to have an official reminder on the calendar. On the other hand I’ve long suspected that Dave would ignore the occasion, but he thinks it’s important to me. He could be right about that, but I’m of two minds. If we both agreed to ignore it I wouldn’t mind, particularly because he’s pretty thoughtful all the time (I hope I am, too, but you’d have to ask him). However, I like having a day on the calendar that reminds me to write a nice note of appreciation and do some extra nice things for Dave. However, if there are people out there who figure that spoiling their partner once a year is all that’s required for a solid relationship, they might have a surprise later on.
The problem is often that Dave and I have difficulty communicating what we expect of each other around this day. For a week or so Dave has been asking me how I want to celebrate it and I’ve been more or less saying, “I dunno!” Of course, our choices are limited this year but we could order in a fancy meal or maybe we could have rented a chalet for a few days, but we’re down to the wire now and it looks like Dave is going to make us a special dinner at home, which I’m completely happy with. Anyway, there’s Covid, so…it’s definitely the safest option.
So, when Dave asks me what I want, I rarely come up with anything tangible. Maybe it’s because I don’t really need much, I know he appreciates me, he shows me all the time. After 36 years he knows I love flowers, so he surprises me with a bouquet every once in awhile, just because. Do I sound spoiled? I don’t think so. When one person who loves someone else actually knows something that will bring them joy and withholds that thing, I’m not sure how I feel about that. It doesn’t sound loving. However, communication, love, and relationships are very complicated and there are layers upon layers. If one party doesn’t feel appreciated on a regular basis, that might be a reason to withhold a loving gesture. It doesn’t mean there isn’t love, but there is a lack of communication. Or it could be plain laziness, or a lack of funds.
Another reason for withholding might be not understanding why the person wants such a silly thing, whatever it is. Why do they need that to feel loved? Isn’t it enough that I tell them, plus I do X, Y, Z all the time? So, yeah, it’s complicated. There’s a book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, (click the link to take a quiz to determine your love language) which describes why one person needs one thing to feel loved, and why another needs something entirely different. The problem occurs when one half of the couple gives the other what they themselves need instead of what the other person needs. File this into the well-meaning, but failed gestures category.
Today our exchange about dinner went something like this:
Dave: I’m going to go for a long walk and then pick up the ingredients for our special dinner tonight.
Me: okay, that sounds great! *pause* but actually, my sourdough starter is ready to go so maybe I should make pizza tonight instead of tomorrow night. Then you can go for your long walk without then having to make a big dinner after. What do you think?
Dave: um, okay. So, pizza tonight?
Me: yes, is that okay?
Dave: okay, sure.
Later (after I’ve made the dough and it’s proofing)
Dave: Okay, so I guess I’ll get the stuff to do the stupid dinner tomorrow night.
Me: You don’t really want to do it? You were geared up to do it tonight?
Dave: I guess, I dunno.
Me: (flailing) Umm, well, I guess I could save the pizza dough until tomorrow, but…
Dave: No, no, it’s fine, we can have it tonight. I’ll make dinner tomorrow.
ME: Uh, okay…
So, I’m left not really understanding what the problem is. I suspect that he feels as though his gesture of making us a special dinner has been rejected, whereas I’m just being practical. * My sourdough is ready, I’ve been meaning to make pizza, tonight would be a good time. What difference does it make which night we have Valentine’s Dinner? I’m puzzled.
Later we talked about the menu for the dinner.
Dave: I was thinking about marinating chicken breasts in garlic and lemon, frying them, cutting them in strips and laying them over homemade pasta with like, prima vera sauce or something.
Me: Sounds amazing!
Dave: Then, steaks! (He chuckles and looks sheepish).
Me: What’s wrong?
Dave: Well, I try to please you, but I think you’re going to say “Too much!|”
Me: It’s no more than I would expect from you, hon! 😀
Dave: I guess I just always second guess my choices.
Me: It doesn’t matter anyway! What you make for this one dinner won’t change how I feel about you. (or words to that effect)
Dave: I guess that’s true, it’s no big deal, right?
Me: I’d like you to enjoy the process! (I may have said this in my head, but it’s nonetheless true)
As you can see, our communication process is not always seamless or easy. Also, if Dave were asked to recreate our conversations they would probably be quite different, and his take on them would also be different. It would be an interesting experiment, come to think of it.
So, for this Valentine’s Day, I suggest you go easy on yourself and your partner. Don’t expect too much, don’t ask too much, don’t imagine that your whole relationship is in the balance depending on what you do for each other today. There’s way to much pressure from Hallmark et al, to create the perfect occasion to show your love. Relationships are a daily business, and there’s no wrong time to do something nice for the one you’re slogging out this pandemic with. Stay healthy my friends!
*Dave says he actually didn’t feel rejected, he was just worried about everything going well.
I love to hear from you!