Happy 2020, dear readers! I haven’t written a word in ages so it really seems time to rectify that. It is the beginning of the year, the decade and already getting close to the middle of the first month. How does that happen so fast?
We had a really special holiday with our children and their spouses here at The Plex. We had three weeks with Erica and her husband, Neil, and ten days of that we also had Travis and Allison here. It was at the same time challenging and wonderful to be all together under one roof. We played many games, drank cocktails and wine, ate much delicious food, (mostly prepared by Neil and Dave), sang some songs, did a 1000 piece puzzle and generally hung out.
It took me a day or two to get used to having so many people in the house, but once I realized that keeping the boots and other paraphernalia in some sort of order helped a lot, it made me incredibly happy to have them all here. I know we’re very lucky to get along so well, since not all families are like that. I needed to step back and analyze what made it work.
Relationships of all kinds can be fraught with difficulties, both subtle and blatant. Communication is key but there is a time and place to handle difficult subjects. I was telling Erica that when we were a younger couple we used to hang out with other couples who would fight and bicker in front of us and we used to do the same sometimes. I hated fighting in front of people, so if , for example, Dave said something that hurt my feelings or annoyed me, I would only bring it up afterwords. After a few difficult gatherings like that we learned to treat each other respectfully in public, and I think the couples we knew who didn’t learn that trick are mostly no longer together. If one person insults or belittles the other regularly in front of friends, the relationship is not healthy nor sustainable, because it’s evidence of a lack of respect. Plus, it’s a below-the-belt tactic since often the one enduring the needling doesn’t feel comfortable defending themselves in a public situation. Obviously, continuous insulting or belittling behavior towards a spouse constitutes emotional abuse and shouldn’t be tolerated at any time.
However, sometimes the baggage people bring into a marriage, for instance, the way their own parents behaved towards each other, results in that behavior being mimicked in their own relationships, often unconsciously. Until the new couple can find better ways of communicating, it can be rough, but that’s the journey of a relationship. It takes time, patience, forbearance and love. It takes believing the best in your partner despite not liking some habit or other that drives you a bit nuts. It takes realizing that the way someone else loads the dishwasher might not be the way you think is “right”, but hey, they loaded the dishwasher! All right, I’ve been known to adjust the position of dishes that someone else has loaded, but why point out something so trivial? It’s a waste of energy and not worth arguing over. I’m just happy I’m not driven to load every dish because I’m the only one who can do it “right”. Give your partner (or maybe just a house guest, whether or not they’re related to you) the benefit of the doubt. Remember that if there are things that bother you about them, there are things that bother them about you, too. Take the time to express appreciation for the things they do that show they’re making an effort or being thoughtful. Everybody loves a gold star, as Gretchen Reuben (my happiness guru) says.
I’m no expert on relationships, I’m just going by what I’ve learned over the 35 years that Dave and I have been married. Being respectful of your partner and of the differences between the way you see the world and the way they see it, is perhaps the most important thing. If you can’t respect your partner in life, walk away, because it’s going to come out in the wash. Respect and love are intertwined, they’re two sides of the same coin. And believe me, marriage is still a learning experience for us. We haven’t figured it all out yet and I’m glad to think we’ll still be learning about each other and how to live with each other until we’re (really) old and grey.
So, what started as a little post about what we did during our Christmas vacation, suddenly became a post about marriage and relationships, oh well! On that subject, here’s Erica Lee Martin singing about the challenges of being away from one’s partner. Enjoy!
I love to hear from you!