I finished my 6th chemo treatment last Friday (May 12th), and it’s been a rough one. They say the effects of chemo can be cumulative, and I think it’s true. The most debilitating thing is the fatigue, but I also have some back pain that’s not quite managed all the time by the copious pain meds I’m taking. It’s now been a week and today I finally feel a bit better.
my garden
On the other hand, I’m wondering whether I feel better because a good friend of mine came to see me today. Theresa and I were friends back in London, Ontario, when we were both young trombone players trying to make a living. Despite that we haven’t seen each other much in the last thirty years, it was like no time had passed. I’ve been reluctant to accept a lot of visitors because I feel pretty crappy most of the time (both physically and emotionally) but Theresa’s visit (and many other visits I’ve had) should be convincing me that having visitors is therapeutic and not something to be avoided. Interesting the way I put that, because I don’t know that I’ve convinced myself despite how much good it did me today. It’s almost like I have to be convinced every time all over again.
I am so grateful for all of my friends and family (I have to mention it every post because it’s always in my mind). Sometimes I think of a certain friend whom I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile and I get a pang because I realize how much I value that person, and how did it happen that I neglected them for so long? It happens because I’m so inward-looking right now, I guess. I’m not criticizing myself, I’m just acknowledging that in this situation it’s inevitable. It’s difficult to avoid being obsessed with what’s going on inside, since it’s always changing and I don’t know what will come next. But, my friends, I miss you all.
Being sick like this is such a bizarre experience in many ways. I now feel like I’m living in a totally different world from everyone else. I look at people walking their dogs, or out jogging, and I feel this longing to be out doing casual things like that, without pain, discomfort, or fatigue. I definitely long to eat normally again, too. Eating has become a chore, sadly. I have to take enzymes to help my stomach digest food, since my pancreas isn’t doing its proper job, so that contributes to making eating annoying. Trying to decide how many pills to take with what I’m eating is an inexact science, too. Everyone has a different need for enzymes, depending on how well their pancreas is doing, so I’m always wondering whether I’ve taken the right dose. Also, vomiting and diarrhea have been a big problem lately too, so yay! And when I don’t have diarrhea I’m probably in danger of experiencing constipation. It’s a beautiful smorgasbord of symptoms. The irony of all that is that I’m now obsessed with watching cooking videos.
I think because of all these symptoms, which must be very hard for people to even imagine who haven’t been through it, I feel disconnected from the rest of the world, from all those people walking outside in the beautiful springtime, and even from my close friends and family. I find it hard to imagine being able to do any of the things other people are doing. I know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to improve my health outcome, but when you feel super crappy it’s challenging to force yourself to walk to the kitchen, forget walking for exercise.
On a brighter (?) note, I’ll find out my CT Scan results this week, so we’ll know what’s really going on with my cancer. I’m nervous, but mostly just glad to be able to face the facts and move forward. I have been told that my blood work is heading in the right direction, but I don’t really know what that means. I keep thinking, if the chemo is working, shouldn’t I have less pain? Shouldn’t I start to feel better? The treatment is what throws in the question mark. It causes so many side effects that it’s hard to know what’s from that and what’s from the cancer. We shall see.
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