I’ve been waiting for the results of my CT Scan for what seems like forever, if you count from when I started the 6 chemo treatments (February 10th) and finally the scan, (May 24th) and then the wait. I wasn’t all that nervous going into the appointment to get the results either. Maybe it’s because when you already have one of the worst medical diagnoses you can get, well… If they had said “it didn’t work at all, and there’s nothing more we can do”, I would have been sad and upset, but the worst shock was in the preliminary diagnosis, nothing will really top that.
So far we don’t have complete findings, because the radiologist ‘s report hasn’t been delivered . They couldn’t tell us what’s going on with the pancreas, but they can see that the liver’s condition has improved, which is great. Sadly, there’s some growth in other areas, so, not the best news.
On the bright side, they’e decided to change the chemo drugs they’re giving me to ones that are usually much better tolerated than the ones I’ve been on AND I’ll have at least a week or two break before the next one! All I really want is a period of time (undetermined). where I feel normal again; to do some things I want to do, visit with people, see some things, maybe sort out my affairs. I was despairing of ever having some quality of life back, which is part of what was making me so depressed during this stretch of chemo. Going into remission would be a huge bonus, but I’m not counting on it.
I have a friend who’s been living with cancer for 16 years, and another who’s been living with it for 11 years. It’s a fairly new idea to me, the idea of “living with” cancer long term. I’ve been in touch with both of them, and have gotten some really good help for coping with side effects and doctors. They’ve both had experiences with the health system that have made them somewhat jaded about it. It’s too bad, but I’m glad they could give me fair warning as to what to expect. What I’ve learned is to be assertive, ask questions, and do what I think is right for me. If they haven’t said that in so many ways, it’s what they’ve inferred. Good advice that I’ve already put into use, but I’ll talk about that in another post.
Happily, I’ll be getting a pain block on the 1st of June, which means I might be able to lower the opioids I’m taking; another step towards a better quality of life. Once I can get off the opioids, or mostly, I’ll get the other half of my brain back, and I’ve missed that part! A pain block acts a bit like an epidural I believe, only it lasts for a longer time. They’ll inject something into my back where the pain is centred, and the idea is that I won’t need so much pain killer after that. Not as many pills, not as much brain fog, no constipation— so much better!
In other news, Erica has been in the UK for more than a week now, (after 3 months with us!) and we’ve been managing pretty well, though I miss her a lot. Before she left I was worried about coping, but I was still feeling really sick at that time, and so, pretty vulnerable. In theory I knew that without Erica here I’d be forced to simply move more, which would be ultimately good for me, but I was still feeling sorry for myself. However we’ve been coping just fine, helped by daily texts and phone calls with Erica, and the on-going support of our friends. I’m also feeling more chipper now, since the nausea is waning. Erica plans to be back in a few weeks, and Travis will be here for a week starting shortly, so, can’t really complain on that front.
All in all, the scan news isn’t much different than I expected, and I will cope with it in the only way that works. One day at a time.
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