Some housekeeping before we get started: I noticed that some people wrote to me a long time ago about my situation and I only just got their emails because they sent them to the email associated with this blog. I had been ignoring that account, because I had lost the password, and figured I never used it anyway. My apologies for the late replies and I hope you’ll write again! Please use the comment section of this post, or send me an email at osmviv@gmail.com.
I finished my fifth chemo last Friday, the 5th of May. It’s been, as usual, pretty hellish, but I’m trying, with the help of my therapist, to make incremental changes to my life, despite feeling very weak, sick and uncomfortable. I’ve been feeling very bored (which sounds weird, doesn’t it?), but it took me awhile to recognize that as a primary feeling. I’ve been stuck in the house for the major part of four months, partly by circumstances, partly by choice. I haven’t felt up to going anywhere, despite Dave’s constant encouragement. I’m even afraid of accepting dinner invitations, since I never know how I’ll feel on the night in question. It’s a confining way to live, but do I have a choice?
My therapist would contend that I do have a choice. She suggests that I stop spiralling along with my feelings about what’s going on. If I depend on my feelings to tell me the truth, I’ll be waiting along time, since feelings tend to project worst-case scenarios, or very scary what-if scenes. Instead of that, I’m to think of concrete action I can take, even baby steps that would bring me out of the spiral. For instance, maybe ask a health professional when I have a minor crisis, instead of trying to deal with it in my own very much inner-looking head. Or, if I’m feeling out of control , put away one item that’s out of place. Doesn’t have to be a major cleaning or tidying of the house, because that’s too much for me, but starting with de-cluttering one area or even one item, is a start to feeling in control and dismissing the demons that say I’m not capable. Having one or two chores that the family depends on me to do, is another way of feeling like a contributing member, instead of someone that just takes, takes, takes, all the time. No matter how many reassurances Dave and Erica give me, I always think, at my lowest points, that they’d secretly like to toss me out the window. I’m not even sure I’d blame them, after being a sick creature for so long I don’t even like myself very much. Unbelievably, they claim to love me just as much as ever. It’s pretty amazing.
So, one more chemo, this Friday (HELP!) and a few days later I’ll have a CTscan, which should help us figure out the new way forward. I hope things will change for the better, that they’ll ease up on the intensity of the chemos, or make them less frequent. This has been incredibly challenging, and I hope with all my digits crossed that the next round will be easier.
Huge thank you for the help every single day, Erica and Dave. My gratitude knows no bounds. xoxoxo (please don’t throw me out the window!)
I love to hear from you!