Since retiring last August, I’ve had a lot more time to think, and what I end up thinking a lot about is death. If this hits too close to home, or you’re not in the mood to hear about this subject, please feel free to move on. I will try not to make this an overly morbid post, but I want to talk about this subject, because I don’t think we talk about it enough. After all, death is a fact of life, not only because of our own inevitable ends, but because of all the deaths we will grieve in our lifetimes. We in the western hemisphere don’t seem to find it easy to talk about death nor do many of us have a script to follow when death occurs. In some cultures, everyone knows what to do in event of a death. In ours, I feel like we run up against it as though we had no idea it was coming. What to do? How to mourn? What to say to someone who is grieving? What to expect when dealing with the aftermath of a death, with the will, the funeral, the estate, etc. It’s a lot to deal with, but we would prefer not to think about it, so we end up floundering around afterwards, learning as we grieve.
There are advantages to belonging to a religion or culture that has a very set procedure to follow after death. In the Jewish tradition, for instance, there are pretty set guidelines. I’m not sure of all them, but one is that they bury the person within 24 hours and then they sit Shiva for 7 days, so for that period, the close family members stay home and people come to visit. The Wiki article on shiva states: “Following the initial period of despair and lamentation immediately after the death, shiva embraces a time when individuals discuss their loss and accept the comfort of others.”
So, if you follow these tenets, you’re meant to pause and take some time to simply grieve. Nobody expects anything from you, and you’re meant to accept the help and comfort that others give. Nobody expects you to be stoic, or go about your business as usual. After shiva there’s another 30 days where you ease back into society, but you’re still officially in mourning. Of course mourning lasts a lifetime, but taking some time at the beginning must help. Without that script to follow, I bet a lot of people don’t take time to honour their loss and their pain.
The period following the death of a close relative or friend is the worst time to be making decisions, and yet, that’s what one has to do, and so many of them. If a lot of the decisions have been made beforehand, think of the relief that could bring. There will still be plenty to deal with, but at least you know what’s expected for the immediate future. So, maybe plan out your funeral and state your wishes clearly. Not for yourself, because you won’t be there, but for your loved ones who will be in no state to decide what you might have wanted. It would be a kindness to arrange it all beforehand, and above all, write a will!
I’m remembering how freaked out I was when I first learned about death. I would lie awake at night and contemplate space, because somehow the two things, the vastness of the universe and the reality of death, became connected in my mind. I couldn’t handle the idea that there was this huge, cold, dark outer space and that we were just one planet spinning around one tiny star in it. I would wonder where I would go when I died and came to the conclusion somehow, that I’d be flying through outer space. It seemed absolutely inconceivable that my brain would just turn off and that my spirit would no longer exist. It’s a concept that I still have trouble fully accepting. I don’t believe in God or in an afterlife, but still, surely some part of our consciousness must continue somehow?? I know it’s not true (probably), but it’s hard to believe, and certainly as a child it was unfathomable.
My losses have been relatively few, but I’ve recently realized that when you lose someone you love, you grieve them over a lifetime. I noticed that when a friend of mine was telling me about her pain at the loss of her husband, I easily came to tears, not only because I empathized with her loss, but because I could easily tap into the well of loss that I already have. As we grow older, the well just gets deeper as losses pile up. Yes, you might stop crying on a daily basis, and the constant pain might fade, but look at a favourite picture of your loved one, or come across an article of clothing of theirs and the pain comes flooding back. This might sound naive, but I’ve come to the idea that “getting over” the death of a close friend or relative is unrealistic. The pain is there, it’s just not constant anymore. It’s sitting in that well, out of sight, but you have access to it at any time. Depending on how important that being was (and I count pets as well as people) to you, perhaps eventually you can come across things of theirs without bursting into tears, but even when you think you’re “over it”, the pain can reach up and grab you. My mother has been gone 10 years, and I thought I was past that point, but the other day I went through a little suitcase of hers that I had ignored for all that time, and I found a silk scarf in it that still smelled faintly of her perfume, and I lost it. The scarf was so her and then there was that scent…
It’s an important subject to have one of those difficult conversations about with your kids. I get why people love the idea of God and an afterlife for these very moments, but when you don’t believe any of that, all you have is to say “it won’t happen for a long time”, with your fingers firmly crossed, and to say that everyone is in the same boat. Cold comfort. For some reason, at some point in the last decade I was able to find some peace in the idea that our cells will continue infinitely, just in a different form. Flowers are here today, gone tomorrow, but their petals serve as food for the next generation. I’d like to think my cells will also serve some good purpose after I’m gone.
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