One day, in the yoyo of my life, I started the day off well, with my thoughts zeroing in on the sourdough starter I was working on, which might become bread as soon as that night. Once I got that out of the way and went for a 30 minute walk, I decided to practice trombone a little. As soon as I sat down I became aware of that black dog hovering over me. Was it that I’m out of shape, and practicing reminds me of that? Or maybe I just didn’t really feel like it? I needed to “change my mind” or “changer les idées” as they say in French.
So, I opened my iBooks app and plunged into Virginia Woolf’s ‘To the Lighthouse’ where I had left off, as I went through my usual warm-up routine. I determined to keep on playing without pause, all the while reading Woolf’s amazing prose. It takes concentration to read Woolf, so I was able to fight off that descending fog and was actually uplifted. Not because her prose is ‘upbeat’, but because it is perceptive, moving and deeply personal. It’s also poetic and, like poetry, some of it is very clear and some is not; but even though the meaning may be unclear it goes straight to your heart, like music.
So, that was one little success, on one day, where I found a way to lift myself out of the doldrums. Bonus: I got my warm-up done. One day at a time.
Sometimes I wonder why this is really so hard for me. I know why it’s hard for those who are sick, or whose loved ones are sick, that’s easy to see. I can see why it’s stressful if you’re losing income, but I’m in a pretty decent position so far. People are making dire predictions that the orchestras won’t be back to work for 18 months, which is stressful, but does it entirely explain why I hover on the brink of depression much more frequently than usual? It doesn’t seem like there’s a direct correlation. There are a lot of aspects about this time worth embracing and enjoying. In fact, there is no better time to practice my 2020 mantra “Be Aware, and Enjoy”… except I keep forgetting it.
Dave and I joke that we’re practicing for our retirement, which we were planning to take in a year in any case, so would I be going through the same issues? If so, I guess it’s good I get to “practice”- to figure out how to deal with this kind of life, this kind of time on our hands. I’d really hoped I’d enjoy it much more than this! I keep reminding myself that a large part of why this is hard is the lack of the “usual”; the lack of freedom to see one’s friends, to walk down the street without worry, and a ton of other things we miss. Those things will (fingers crossed) be back in place when I retire.
Book Recommendation: I started reading a wonderful book of essays (I believe they are excerpts from her blog), by Ursula K. LeGuin, called, (ironically for the Time of Covid) “No Time to Spare”. I’ve only read a few, but they are perceptive and bang on, talking about aging —for good and for bad—and all the ironies that are a part of that process. I recommend it to anyone because although she was not self-isolating, there are many similarities between the retired life she was leading with her husband and the lives most of us are leading right now. If you’re closing in on retirement or already retired, you have a double reason to read it.
Here’s another Lee-Martin long-distance recording, this time it’s a song by Erica Lee Martin called “I Push On”. Enjoy!
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