Yesterday I had a great day. I had slept well and dove into all my chores and projects with a good will. I gave myself a pat on the back that I was getting my daily walk, doing some yoga and pilates and other stretches, practicing a bit, doing some baking, and basically keeping it together. But, by bedtime an uneasy, unfulfilled feeling took over me and I had the distinct impression I had missed something during the day. It was a feeling of, is that all there is?
Today I woke up and after only a minute I could feel the old black dog hovering, ready to pounce. I blame it on my back, which has been a serious irritant since this whole self-distancing thing started. I’ve been trying to deal with it by doing stretches, pilates and yoga but when I woke up today with another uncomfortable, stiff back I felt defeated. Frankly, the biggest incentive for me to keep up my exercise regimen is the hope that it’ll help my back, so, in case you’re thinking “wow, she’s doing all that, what a hero!”, you can just forget it. Without the pain to make it impossible, I’d be sitting on my couch all day knitting, no doubt.
I’ve had issues with back pain for quite a while, but I’ve never really worked at strengthening my core or really getting to the bottom of what the heck is causing it, so I thought that if I were doing those things it would quickly improve. I had every intention of cleaning up the garden today but my back pain made the idea less appealing. On top of being unable to go anywhere or see anyone (aside from Dave) it seemed that I was not going to be able to enjoy my garden, and that made my fragile optimism take a nose dive.
It seems that every day my mood is a little different, affected by all kinds of things. If I get a few things done, like take a walk, practice, do something creative and some housework, I feel much better. The worst thing for me is a day like this where I felt depressed early in the day and ended up spending a couple of hours in bed “napping”, but in reality, moping and crying, and had zero interest in doing anything. Sometimes it seems completely unendurable that this will go on for months; that my job in the orchestra might not even come back in the fall (who knows when large gatherings will be approved again??).
However, every time I have a day like this, I know that I get a do-over the next day (and the next, and the next…)and that can actually be a nice thought, looked at from a certain angle. Like Groundhog Day*. It’s impossible to feel positive all the time, and I’m not even talking about how the news affects me (us). The situation those of us lucky enough to be healthy and solvent find ourselves in is enough to cause the yoyo affect I’m describing. There are tons of people in much worse situations, and I don’t want to wallow in self-pity to the point that I forget why we’re doing this. On the other hand, we ought to go easy on ourselves on the days we feel unable to do much beyond the basics. I’m going to try to take my own advice, but it ain’t easy.
I’ll leave you with this little ditty I wrote two days ago first thing in the morning, before I succumbed to about the same state as I was in today. I had been toying with the idea of writing a poem about Monty, so I decided to base it on the form of a poem I learnt as a kid. Here goes:
Monty My little dog, is not a dog, but much more like a cat. His haughty airs and baleful stares do freeze his people flat. I dare not ask him to come up onto my lap to sit for fear he'd stare beyond me and pretend he doesn't fit!
It’s not Shakespeare, but it was fun to try out some rhyming.
For a little morale boost, here’s a new show on Youtube that’s all the rage lately, called Some Good News. Enjoy!
*If you’ve never seen the movie, Groundhog Day, this is the absolutely perfect time to watch it! One of my favourites.
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