I got many wonderful comments, stories and book recommendations from people after my last post about death (thank you all very much). I guess I hit a nerve, as I suspected I would. It’s not an easy subject to write about nor to read about, but I think it’s very much worthwhile to do so. People need a safe place to express their doubts, hopes and fears about it so I hope I provided that. It also helped me by giving me hope that there is something that connects us all and that maybe my atoms will be floating around comforting my loved ones after I’m gone. I’m just happy to be here still since there are people with my disease who died mere weeks after their diagnoses. What a shock that would be!
I’m looking forward to delving into some of the book recommendations I got. In case you missed them, I’ll list them here:
Being Mortal by Atul Gawanda
The Bhagavad Gita by Vyasa
On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kugler-Ross
The Tibetan book of living and dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
One movie recommendation was Jésus de Montréal and I would second that. I loved it when I saw it decades ago and I’d like to watch it again.
I’m reading a book I received as a gift called Embers by Richard Wagamese and I’m enjoying his meditations on life, death, nature, writing, Creator and other subjects.
Whenever I see things about death, or the meaning of life, they jump out at me as never before. I don’t even have to look for them, they’re everywhere. Yesterday I was looking for a podcast episode to listen to and clicked on Ideas from the CBC. The first episode was Thomson Highway giving a Massey lecture on death. I was fascinated by his take on it (not just his, it’s the Cree vision of death) and I recommend it highly.
It’s interesting— most of the books that have been recommended are by authors outside North America. Not a coincidence I don’t think. We’re much less open to talking about death in our society than people in other societies, notably the Hindus and Buddhists. Why is that, do you think? Perhaps their versions of an afterlife are less scary than the Christian one. Just guessing, and I’m sure there are many other reasons buried in tradition.
Moving on, Erica will be back in the UK soon and Neil is already there, so Dave and I will be alone again. I know we’ll manage, as we have before, but I’ll miss them a great deal. Neil was busy doing most of the cooking and Erica is always very helpful, and it’s just nice to have them here. As Erica says, it’s a good thing we all like each other! It doesn’t always happen in life and I’m grateful. I can’t complain too much either, because Erica will be back in the middle of September for quite awhile. I know, I know, I said I can’t complain! Buster will miss Neil tons because there was nobody so willing to play a game of fetch with him. Today he seemed a little lost and confused without him.
Despite that overall I’m feeling better than I was two months ago, I can’t say I’m feeling great. I was hoping that the chemo would do enough damage to the tumours that everything would be better. Unfortunately, it’s not obvious that it has really happened. I won’t know until after the 14th of August ( my CT scan) whether the chemo has wreaked havoc or not, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I’m even looking into end-of-life choices, which I’ve not had the courage to do before this. When I got so sick back in February I didn’t picture myself alive in August, but here I am, and I’m not doing so badly, given the gravity of my diagnosis. Am I giving you mixed messages? Am I, or am I not doing better, you ask? Yes, absolutely better than I was, but I’ll never feel completely normal again, I just have to give up on that. Partly the disease, partly the chemo, partly the opioids and other meds I’m taking; they all take their toll and leave me with little energy, some residual pain, and some depression. I’m not going to sugar-coat it, it ain’t a piece of cake.
I almost stopped there, but I don’t want to leave on such a low note! I had my fifth chemo of the cycle on Friday, and today I’m starting to feel better. The first couple of days on this chemo are weird. The first day after chemo I’m usually feeling okay, just a bit tired. The next day (yesterday) I felt awful. I was depressed, no energy, was nauseous, and had pain in my lower back, which may not have anything to do with chemo, but it really sucked. Today, somehow the pain is gone and I’m feeling moderately good and my appetite is better. I know this changes day by day but it’s still surprising to me. I’m grateful for any improvement, no matter how small and temporary. Now to stop expecting the pain to be back any minute. Just enjoy the relief for goodness’ sake!
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