I’m four days past my third chemo of the new regimen, and I’m feeling not bad today. It’s a good thing, but, as I’ve said before, you can never tell how the day will go until it’s going. Every ten minutes I can feel better or worse than the previous ten minutes. I’ve gradually started realizing that if I feel crappy it may not be my impending death, I might actually feel okay in a few. When I first got home from the hospital back in February I was constantly wondering: what was this new symptom??? It was awful, but now I’m a little more chill. A little. I can still freak out on occasion (ask Dave or Erica!).
The garden is looking beautiful, with that mid-summer sultriness where you can almost see the humidity making waves in the air. The bee balm and clematis are blooming prolifically and the roses might be getting into their second blooming along with bachelor’s buttons etc. We’re going to bring in some sage from the garden and make pasta with sage-butter sauce for dinner. Though I don’t grow many veggies I get a kick out of the herbs I grow that we use in the kitchen and I’m hoping to get some cherry tomatoes out of the two plants we have going. So far the squirrels have left them alone but as soon as they notice them turn red they’ll be going in for the kill. I have a net around the pots but I’m not confident they’ll do any good. We’ll see! The garden is giving me a lot of pleasure these days, despite the tiny amount of gardening I’m actually doing. Just walking through and pulling a few weeds gives me a lift.
I’m going to see a new acupuncturist tomorrow. The one I was seeing was fantastic and came highly recommended by a friend, but she works out of the West Island (a half hour drive) so I thought I should find someone local who can help me. This way I’ll be able to walk to my appointments and Dave won’t have to drive me out there and wait around for me. My question is how do you really know whether acupuncture is helping? If anybody out there has tried it and has an opinion, please let me know in the comments! I like the process—it’s very relaxing—but I don’t have any real way of telling whether it’s doing any good. It’s supposed to help deal with side effects and even help me live longer, but is it really?? I’m going by the “it might not help, but it can’t hurt!” philosophy.
Yesterday and today my pain has been practically nil, which is amazing! It makes such a difference to my overall mood. I usually only get a reprieve like that for a few hours, not for practically two consecutive days. When I get a few hours break my mood lifts for sure, but today I noticed that my sadness/depression was hovering there trying to get a foot in the door, so to speak, the longer I went without any significant pain or discomfort. I don’t really get it, except that maybe my psyche is bracing itself for the pain to come back. It’s unfortunate that I can’t just enjoy freedom from pain without that other feeling of impending doom. It makes it hard to enjoy the quality of life that being free from pain gives me. If that makes sense.
I intend to stay as active as possible as the treatments go on, because that helps my mood and my pain levels tremendously too. If I find myself wallowing I’ve got a few techniques I can use to get out of the pit of despair. Walking, knitting, reading, listening to music. These are all pretty helpful. On the other hand, sometimes I need to just wallow and that’s okay too. On those occasions we sometimes gather in a quiet group hug. Sounds cheesy but it works! The instant I feel the touch of a human hand on mine I’m soothed, sometimes just the tiniest bit soothed, but often that’s all I need to be able to get on with the next thing.
On the subject of future treatments, if I stare reality straight in the face, I don’t think I’ll ever be finished with them. I will, I hope, get breaks here and there, but pancreatic cancer has a stony face and won’t give me too many breaks, I don’t think. If I keep going until the chemo stops working, there aren’t a lot more options. I know there are drug test trials but I would have to fit all the criteria and I don’t know that I do. Something for future Vivian to worry about.
I love to hear from you!