A good friend asked me a disconcerting question the other day. She had heard from other friends that when they became grandmothers they felt a “love they couldn’t explain” for their grandchild. A love that surpassed any other that they’d ever felt. She wondered whether that was the case for me. I considered the question for a few seconds and realized I couldn’t say that it was. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandson, Iggy. He’s adorable and sweet and impossible not to love. However, I don’t get to see him very often and he’s still so young (4 months), that I don’t feel I “know” him yet. I suspect that as he gets older and we establish a relationship, that’s when my love for him will expand. It’s fascinating to see him develop, (in fits and starts because we see him about once a month), but when I compare the experience to having my own children, it’s quite different.
Spending every minute of every day with a little being that depends on you for everything creates an incredibly strong bond—at least it did for me— from the very beginning. Yes, I felt out of my depth, nervous and awkward at first, but the baby’s helplessness brought out my instinctive inner parent. Just dropping in on Iggy now and then, to hold and admire him for a couple of days and then leaving, is a completely different experience. I’m trying not to feel unnatural for admitting this, but it seems that bonding with him will be a more gradual process.
I enjoy the feeling of being of use to Iggy’s parents, because I know how all-consuming and exhausting parenting is. I like giving them a little break, and at the same time I’m nurturing a relationship with Iggy that will just grow stronger as time goes on. Win-win! I know they’ll appreciate our help as Iggy grows older and they have to go back to work and fit so many things into their lives. I remember how much we depended on both my Mom and my Mother-in-lawL (and other extended family at different times; shout-out to my Aunt Norma) throughout our kids’ childhoods. It wasn’t always easy to navigate grandparents being babysitters, (maybe that’s a subject for a whole other post) but if they hadn’t been there to help out we would have had a much rougher time, especially with all the touring I did. Sometimes Dave was booked for the same tours or had to work out of town himself at the same time, so thank goodness my Mom or his could be there for the kids when they were small.
One tour in particular stands out in my mind. It was March and I was about to head to Florida for an arduous (beaches? what beaches?!) tour , when Travis came down with chicken pox. I felt bad leaving Dave with the kids, but what could I do? To add insult to injury, there was a huge snow storm the night before I left so Dave had to shovel the walk just so I could get my cab to the airport. A few days into the two-week tour, Erica came down with chicken pox too, but she had a much worse case, and Dave was up all night giving her oatmeal baths and doing whatever else he could to make her more comfortable. He was completely exhausted and at his wit’s end, when my Mom told him to go and sleep at her apartment and she would look after the kids, so he could at least get one night’s good sleep. I think Dave almost cried with gratitude and he certainly never forgot her generous gesture.
Everyone is different and reacts to grandparenthood differently, so, although I’m happy for those who immediately feel this incredible love and bond with their grandchildren, I don’t think those of us who felt less at first should feel embarrassed or ashamed. On the other end of the spectrum are those who couldn’t care less about their grandchildren. Their attitude seems to be, “been there, done that, no thanks!!” Like I said, we all react differently. It’s not something we can control, but we can obviously control the actions we take in response to our feelings. As a parent, I couldn’t turn away if my kids needed my help, particularly while they’re new parents, even if I felt less for Iggy than I do.
So, being a grandmother isn’t only about loving and spoiling one’s grandchildren, it’s also about being part of the community that raises that child. Giving the parents a break is a huge part of being a grandparent, because it’s part of our ongoing roles as parents, too. Just because our son has a son of his own doesn’t mean he’s too old to need our help. I hope we’ll be able to do that frequently to help keep Travis and Allison sane, healthy and happy for as long as we have the health to do so.
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