Retirement is a big milestone for most people, whether you’re a musician, an engineer, or a bricklayer. It signals the start of the last leg and I can see why a lot of people put it off. Who wants to think about that last leg too much? And when you’re retired, you have a lot of time to contemplate it. On the flip side, if you’re eager to contemplate life and to get on with new or favourite things while you’re still relatively young, retiring early is a smart option. Whether 60 is “early” is debatable, but most people I talk to seem to think it is. Of course some people are in great shape at 60, such as a friend of mine, who says she hardly feels any different than at 30. She looks about the same too, but I digress. I certainly don’t feel like that, which I blame on my lack of a proper exercise regimen for the last….oh, 50 years. Coupled with a steady consumption of alcohol and probably some unhealthy food choices. Wow, this is starting to look like a depressing blog post. Let’s bring it back up, shall we?
Dave and I had the pleasure of attending one of the opening concerts of the OSM’s new season on Saturday afternoon. As most of you know, I just retired from that same orchestra. It was a treat to go back and listen to two familiar pieces and one not-so-familiar one, from the vantage point of the hall, rather than the back of the orchestra. I definitely heard some things I never hear from the back, which was pretty thrilling and novel. I don’t know how many times I’ve played Ravel’s “La Valse”, but it’s a lot, so hearing something new was very cool.
So, we went to the symphony and it was lovely. The orchestra sounded relaxed and energetic, with individual soloists sounding brilliant. I’m very happy that my chums seem to love their new music director, Raphael Payare. I had a few teary moments right when we sat down, surveying all my colleagues from above like that. I know I’ll miss them, and I’ll miss being part of the orchestra. I haven’t felt it yet, though. I’m still enjoying not having to get up and go anywhere on a regular basis. It’s pretty sweet. I will not miss going on tour, either, but that could be a blog post on its own.
I’ll continue to monitor my reactions, because I’ve always had trouble knowing and/or acknowledging my feelings. I’ve been looking forward to retirement for years, but I wasn’t sure I’d be really happy once I made the decision. Like when I had those teary moments when we sat down at the concert, I just squashed them down and carried on! You know– the healthy way! In order to analyze how I feel about retirement, I remind myself that over the last few years, I’ve grown increasingly impatient and bored at rehearsals, which, for a trombone player, can seem very long. During the pandemic, even though we didn’t work nearly as much as usual, I was not excited at the prospect of going to work, and in fact, the idea often depressed me. That seems to indicate that I was getting ready to hang up the horn. What complicated my efforts at self-knowledge, was that I often blamed myself for not enjoying my work more. I thought I just needed to “change my attitude”, to “stay in the moment” and “look on the bright side”. People often told me I was so lucky, to make a living in the arts and with such a wonderful orchestra. I absolutely agree that I’ve been lucky, but that doesn’t translate to happiness and contentment necessarily. Maybe I just got bored, and that’s totally human and maybe I could just let myself off the hook. Anyway, the idea of letting someone younger take over my job, who will enjoy it much more than I have lately, and who will make a good living at it, makes me happy.
I’m looking forward to making music for fun, but for the moment I haven’t felt like practicing, so I might give myself a little break from that. It’s nice not to feel guilty about taking some time off the horn. For forty years I couldn’t do that without stressing out about getting back into shape. It’s a relief not to have that anymore. Although, I have agreed to go back in November to play a Shostakovich symphony that I love. But that’s for future Viv to worry about! Present Viv is enjoying the novelty of avoiding practicing without guilt.
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