This first bit is for all you “lurkers” out there, who read but never comment. Quite a few people tell me they read all my posts but never indicate that they have. I appreciate you all, and don’t feel badly about not commenting (though I love comments!). I try to read all comments and to reply to most of them, so check back for those replies!
So, yesterday I got the news about the CT scan and it wasn’t good. My wonderful nurse practitioner, Andreane, didn’t mince words. She said the cancer is still spreading so she nixed the idea of doing chemo again with Abraxane (my latest chemo drug). There’s a small possibility of using part of the Folfirinox (my first chemo drug) cocktail, the part that isn’t as hard on the body, so I might do that next week. Plus there are a couple of clinical trials that I might be able to join ( long shots). So things aren’t looking too good, my friends. I hope you (individually) aren’t offended that I haven’t told you the news in person. I find that I don’t have the energy to tell everyone that way, it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting.
Anyway, Dave and I have been alone for a while, with visitors punctuating the time here and there. My brother, Kevin, was here for a couple of days, plus our good friend, Larry. We’re looking forward to having Erica back in a few days but we’ve been pretty cosy here by ourselves. Dave’s been amazing in supporting me and helping relieve my pain. He often sits and rubs my back for ages. I don’t know what I would do without him. Trav, Allison and Iggy will also be here soon, so we’ll all be together, except Erica’s husband, Neil, sadly. Maybe he’ll come a bit later.
I don’t exactly know how the next few weeks will play out. It’s difficult to see a time frame. I forgot to ask Andreane how long this might take, but I bet she wouldn’t tell me anything very precise. She told me what signs to look for that would tell me to go to Emergency (boo!) but she didn’t think anything would happen imminently, judging by my blood work. It’s scary to be checking out every little new pain and wondering what it means. I hate this being in limbo, but that’s what it’ll feel like until the end, I guess.
In terms of end-of-life care, my preference would be to stay at home, or go to a hospice. I would avoid going to the hospital if I could, but we’ll see. I don’t know how well they can manage pain at a hospice (another thing I forgot to ask Andreane).
This news might come as a bit of a shock to some of you, because even when you know what the outcome is likely to be, it can still feel like it came out of the blue. It wasn’t much of a shock to me, since I had come to the conclusion that the cancer was thriving, my pain having been worsening. My pain doc has been tweaking my medications to try to get it right, but so far he hasn’t quite hit the money spot. Hoping for improvements on that score. It’s frustrating!
I will probably not do much more blogging, but you never know. I’ve found this process very therapeutic and I wish I could have done more of it. It’s been great to reconnect with so many of you, I’ve enjoyed getting closer to some really great old friends this way. I love and appreciate you all, and I appreciate your support, even if all you’ve done is read my posts. That’s cool and I’m very grateful. On top of it, some of you have brought me flowers, soups, casseroles, desserts, etc etc, and many other signs of support. Thank you all. My family and I will be forever grateful.
I love to hear from you!