Well, my friends, I have some pretty sucky, awful news. Here’s the story.
I saw a random doctor at a clinic on Boxing Day about my suspected stomach ulcer. At that appointment I happened to mention a little pain in my right side under my ribs, which had made sleeping uncomfortable lately. The doctor gave me a requisition for an ultrasound. I went in for an ultrasound on January 3rd and just one week later I was called in by the clinic to get the results. I had a niggling feeling it couldn’t be great news, since they could have said, “everything’s fine”, if it were. So, I went in and the doctor told me I had pancreatic cancer and that it had spread to my liver. To say I was shocked is an understatement. It was surreal. One minute you’re planning a two-month-long road trip, the next you’re thinking of updating your will. That same day we went to Emergency at the MUHC and I got a CT scan to confirm what the ultrasound said.
In what seems like breakneck speed (for our health-care system) I had a biopsy last week on the liver, presumably to check whether the cells from those lesions were pancreatic cells. On Wednesday of this week I saw the oncologist at the MUHC (McGill University Health Centre) and they confirmed that I have Stage 4 cancer, non-operable. Not curable. The best they can do for me is to give me chemotherapy to reduce the tumours to give me a better quality of life for the time remaining to me. No guarantees, but hopefully I’ll have a little more time. Some people live with this for several years, but I get the feeling they’re in the lucky minority. We’ll see.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for Dave and I and the kids, digesting this news. Dave has been great, I don’t know what I’d do without his emotional and general support. I know there are people (I know some personally) who have had to deal with a cancer diagnosis, going through treatment, etc, without a partner, and/ or without extended family close by. My respect for them, already high, has gone through the roof. I’m not made of such stuff, or at least I’m (thankfully) not being tested that way so I won’t have to find out if I am.
My children have also been great. Checking in almost daily, they’ll each be here at different times to support me through the chemo. Erica will stay for a month and Travis will come in when they can for a few days at a time. Work and an 18-month-old at home will make it hard to stay longer. I’m looking forward to them being here, plus Dave needs help because I’ve become quite the tyrant. Sometimes I don’t even say “Please”.
Are there upsides to this awful, crazy diagnosis? You’d be surprised, I’ve found a couple. The biggest is realizing just how wide my circle of friends and family is. I have the best people in my life and I’m grateful to them (you) all. I’ve never felt so loved— it’s been incredibly touching. This blog is mainly read by my friends, family and acquaintances so you know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
There’s also another perk I thought of today: I don’t have to worry about getting Alzheimer’s! Or whether the fan in the basement bathroom should be replaced, or the myriad of other minor irritations in life. Seriously, I have to find humour even in this or the days would be unendurable. Luckily, the way our family copes is through humour, and it is a salve.
When my energy permits I plan to update you on how it’s going. It looks like this blog is morphing once again, now into one I could call “The Cancer Diaries” or something equally overused. I think I’ll stick with “The Tranquil Garden”, since it implies everything about how I want the remainder of my life to be.
I love to hear from you!