I was overwhelmed by all the touching messages I received after my last post. I was brought to tears over almost every one of them. What I hadn’t expected nor foreseen were all the gifts that were sent to me. I was surprised and somewhat abashed. I definitely appreciate every single gesture, but I’m glad they’re trickling to a stop now. It was wonderful, but overwhelming. Keep the messages coming, the emojis, the funny dog videos, etc, maybe a soup or a casserole here and there, but we’re good for everything else for now. Again, thank you to everyone who sent something, I know you just wanted to give me a lift (it worked!) , and I really appreciate it.
One exchange I had with a friend got me thinking about why some people facing a crisis want to share it with the world (um, I guess that would be me) and why others are extremely private about what they’re going through. I thought I’d talk about why the decision to share this grim news was the right one for me, partly to help me think through it and understand my own motivations.
First of all, telling my close friends and loved ones about my cancer was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Obviously, starting with Travis and Erica. As a parent, the last thing you want to do is make your kids sad and hurt, and I knew I would be doing that. I could never keep it from them, it’s not in my nature (obviously) , nor in the nature of our relationships, so I had no other option but to choose the best moment and just rip off the bandaid, so to speak. It was very, very hard. Then, it was time to face my close family (I have three siblings, plus other close relatives) and my closest friends. Beyond that close circle, how I was to choose who else to share with?
There are so many people with whom I’ve built relationships at various stages in our lives, and then we maybe moved away from each other, or life took us in separate directions, but whom I still think of with love. I felt they would want to know and would be terribly hurt if I tried to somehow keep it from them until the last minute. But, you might say, “yes, but you don’t owe anybody anything at this point, and it should be all about what’s good for you.” I agree, but, sharing IS good for me on the whole. I want people with me on this journey who will send me loving messages, funny dog videos, soups, casseroles, heart emojis, flowers, whatever! It doesn’t have to be tangible, (in fact, maybe it’s better if most of it isn’t) but it all helps. People must feel helpless, knowing they can’t do anything to cure me, but when they share those things I mentioned (and more) it lifts my spirit and, in some cases, eases our day-to-day lives, and both are important. Not because I have any illusions that if I have a positive attitude I’ll be able to cheat death, but because if I keep a positive attitude I will be happier for the remainder of my days, however many I have. That’s easier said than done, and maybe I’ll talk more about that in a later post.
It’s emotionally exhausting to receive such an outpouring of sympathy and love in the short term, but in the long term, it’s worth it. Of course, I have to set boundaries. If I can’t read or answer another message on a given day, then I need to close the computer, and I do. Exchanging texts and emails with people is easier for me (for the most part) than talking to people on the phone, so that’s what I’ve asked for and people have respected that. I’ve always been more comfortable with the written word, so no surprise that I still am. The emotional drain of both sharing bad news, and dealing with the exchanges that follow, are probably why other people avoid it. However, for me, the process is much more positive than negative.
So, I started with a mass email (to make things easier for me) to many of my closest friends and relatives , but all along I had toyed with the idea of going public with it on my blog. The advantages are that anybody who wants to get an update can easily get one, and that if strangers stumble on my blog they might be helped or comforted by it if they’re going through something similar. Those were the biggest pros in my decision tree.
Already I’ve had several exchanges with people that have lifted us each up, and which I would never have had if I hadn’t shared my news so publicly. Personal connections are important to me, maybe the only external things that are important now, as my life revolves around pain and energy management, food consumption, the pursuit of sleep and other mundane things.
As I start chemo, which will be this Friday, the 10th of February, things may evolve. I guess chemo can wipe out all your energy, so updates might be few, short and far-between, but I plan to post whenever I can.
Finally, friends, I think you might have gotten the idea from my last post, that I’m handling this super well. In reality, I’m not handling it better than any of you would handle the same diagnosis. When I’m relatively pain-free (i.e. when all the meds are lined up properly and there are no gaps where the pain comes rushing in) I can be decently upbeat. When I’m in pain, or if I have a mysterious symptom, or my stomach is off for a day or two, I despair very quickly. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t cry, sometimes in short bursts, sometimes I can’t stop. Perhaps my post bordered on the flippant, but that’s the way I write and the way I think. My sense of humour, lately becoming quite macabre, will always pop up and whether people understand it or not, it helps me manage the difficulties of my life right now. It doesn’t make me more courageous than the next person.
Speaking of that, ”courage” is a word a lot of people have used in relation to my sharing my cancer diagnosis publicly. I feel uncomfortable with that word in this context, because sharing whatever’s on my mind or going on in my life has become normal over many years of blogging, it didn’t take much courage to put this out there. For other people, who are not used to doing it, this would be a courageous act, so I can see why people see it that way. It will take a lot more courage than I actually have to continue to face the next challenges, but I hope that by taking it day by day, I’ll find it. And if I do find it, it will be thanks to the support and love of my family and friends.
I love to hear from you!